Dear Me, why aren’t you publishing?
An external note to self
An external note to self
Dear Me, as of November 24th, 2023 you seem to have 96 drafts and no published work for over 6 months now. Some drafts are barely fleshed out but many are fully developed or have undergone review. What the hell is going on? Well you do know, but let me outline it for you.
While in silence on a walk, drive, in the shower, or cooking, an idea hits you. A bunch of insights are always swirling in your head but the time alone allows for the thoughts to collide. Suddenly, boom! You have an insight you want to share with the world. You quickly write the realization down on Medium and flesh it out in 3 to 5 sentences and close the app. It feels cathartic. Although it’s not finished yet the potential expansions of the idea consume your mind and give you much joy. Regrettably, some contemplations end here. You don’t feel the spark when you look back at it or you feel self-conscious about what you are trying to express. Another one doesn’t see the light of day.
But at times, you persist. The concept continues to kindle a passion within you, and eventually, the warmth manifests itself by delving deeper into the subject a few days later. You bang out 3–6 paragraphs delving into different aspects of the idea and this too gives you immense joy. Of course it is rough and full of grammatical errors but you don’t care because you’re making progress. Until you aren’t. Upon further reflection, some of these fleshed-out ideas seem weak, and as you look back and try to piece together what you were thinking you again fall off. And so another one bites the dust.
But on occasion you forge ahead. After reviewing, some parts of the idea still connect and you begin editing, making your thoughts more understandable. You begin fact-checking because you know sometimes how you feel may not represent how things truly are. You continue fine-tuning and fine-tuning and fine-tuning and fine-tuning……but it never ends. The self-consciousness sets in again then you lose motivation and feel like the article isn’t good enough to publish and never will be. A couple of days go by then it's onto the next idea. Maybe it will be different maybe you’ll hit publish but you end up following the cycle again stumbling on those 3 potential roadblocks.
That’s how 1 became 20 then 50 and now close to 100. You attribute this pattern to your ‘high’ standards, but in reality, it’s driven by your ego. It’s because you don’t want to put something out that isn’t amazing or doesn’t get attention because it makes you feel inadequate and self-conscious. But guess what ? You have to be ok with that for now! There may be exceptions out there but the majority of people who create quality content did not start out as eloquent or impactful as you see them now. You have to put the time in before you get to be this selective and conscious. It doesn’t mean you should not put in effort but it means you should put in the most you have then release it to the world. And while doing this seek feedback and examine your work over time (a published essay count of 5 is not a lot to go off of).
So get out there, continue to make mistakes, share your essays online, in writing groups, and with friends. Continue to make a bunch of mistakes and grow over time. Continue to become a better writer than who you were yesterday. I believe in you!
-Love, You